MudLove
by littleugly
Summary: Put two geniuses on high heat in an Aspen lodge. Add one scheming interloper, snowy mountain scenery, and more than a few catfights and you have an instant reality hit!


_Disclaimer: I'm pretty broke, so it's doubtful I made millions off of Artemis._

Hey guys!

So I'm taking a leave off of the Clique… love it to the grave, but because of my analness, I need a ending for Artemis and Minerva… one I can actually stomach.

Kisses,

Aly

Chapter One: Homecoming

Sitting at the antique dining room table, Artemis almost thought of propping his feet up, quickly dismissing the foolish notion in favor of ringing for a cup of Earl Gray. A nameless maid delivered the tea and departed just as silently. _Oh, how I miss Juliet and her… how they say, "attitude"._ Alas, his friend was still wrestling under the alias "The Jade Princess". Silently, for one does one's best thinking in this manner, Artemis mused over how he would continue life after his return. To think that so much time had escaped without notice. _It didn't "escape". You merely disrupted the fabric of time-space itself_. Frowning at the thought, the Irish youth knew that Butler had mentioned a change in home life. Was it new pet for Angeline? _Speak of the devil_…

Mrs. Artemis Fowl I came sweeping into the dining room, resplendent in a gauzy peach dressing gown. "Oh my darling Arty, how I've missed you!" cried Angeline, hugging her son tight.

"Mother… I can't breathe," Artemis choked out, rubbing his sore neck while his mother launched into a tirade of what he had missed.

"…and I had the walls redone in the east wing, they were in a dreadful state, and I bought the most darling Rococo sideboard, and oh! You haven't met them yet!"

_She has more than one dog?_ Artemis' brow wrinkled; dog hair clung to his suits so easily, and lint rollers were murder on the fabric. However, his musings were quickly disrupted by a sudden assault of his knees. A pair of chubby hands, belonging to a very excitable boy, pulled at his trousers. Another boy stood a few feet away, surveying the scene with distaste.

"Is he our pet? Does he have a name yet?" whined one.

"No, you simple-toon! Pets are animals, not people," snapped the other.

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Can he fetch yet? Or do I get to train him? And can he sleep in my room?"

"Beckett, honey, what did we say about meeting new people?"

"Don't grab their pants, because no one likes wrinkles," sulked the toddler.

"That's right. Artemis, darling, this may be a bit of a shock, but you're a brother now!" Angeline beamed with pride, seeing her boys together.

_Oh. That's what Butler was talking about_. Artemis shook his head at his memory lapse and gently detaching his younger brother from his pants, excused himself to his room.

Settling down in a distressed leather armchair, Artemis was surprised to see a hefty stack of letters on his desk. All had the same return address. On the top of the pile was a sticky note that read, "The manor has been receiving these letters for quite some time. They have been checked for any potential threats and deemed secure. For your privacy, they have remained unopened. –Butler"

_Butler, good old boy, never disappoints me_. With relish, Artemis sliced open the first one. It was dated from approximately three years ago.

_Dear Artemis_,

_It doesn't escape my notice that you've only left two weeks ago, and that the timing of the letter might appear premature. But I've mourned your absence and wish your return on the following Christmas holiday. We could disprove a few theories in quantum mechanics, ski on the Alps, whatever you wish._

The letter continued for several more pages in the fashion. Artemis skimmed the body, until arriving at the signature. As if to make sure it was not an allusion, he lightly touched the words "Minerva Paradizo". _She wrote me all this time? And never received any response? Oh, how she must abhor me! Butler has told me that she often talks of me… but she could have been saying anything. She could have been raving about my gross negligence to her letters, and Butler didn't tell me to spare my feelings!_ On and on these thoughts went until he decided that a formal apology was in order; he would send a gift begging for forgiveness at a different time, depending on the depth of her anger.

"Butler."

The manservant arrived instantaneously. "Yes, Artemis?"

"Set up a video conference with Minerva Paradizo."

"Yes, sir. Do you wish my presence during such an event?"

"No, Butler. You will have to make do listening through the keyhole."

"Yes, sir. I'll set it up straight away."

"Thank you."

Butler walked away, puzzled by his charge's slight agitation. _Did I miss something with those letters? Damn. Didn't check for presence of nerve gas._

The root of Artemis's worry lay not with an attempt to end his life, but with Minerva. _She could be gallivanting with __a skier in the Alps Maritime!_

Doing his best so sooth his mind, Artemis quickly changed his suit (Beckett had successfully wrinkled his former) and sat in the conference room, going over some of the confidence tips learned from the self-help DVDs Angeline left in the various bathrooms around the manner. When the screen flickered to life, Artemis was not prepared for the scene at hand. In front of him was not the girl he remembered, but a young woman who exuded beauty and charm from thousands of miles away through the enormous, wall-to-wall monitor.

"Artemis!" Minerva shrieked, tossing the textbook she had been previously perusing. It hit the wall behind her, knocking down a masterpiece by Monet. "Oops," she giggled. "Between you and me, Beau did that."

"Er… yes. Of course," stuttered Artemis, suddenly forgetting the eloquent speech he had rehearsed in his head.

"Oh, I've missed you," the girl sighed, wiping away tears. "I've been writing letters for so long, and now you're here. It's as if you've been gone for only a few weeks"

"For me, that's precisely what's occurred," the boy genius mumbled, still taken aback by Minerva's apparent transformation.

"I like that suit you're wearing," Minerva suddenly stated. "Did you get dolled up just for me?"

"Er…" Artemis blushed.

"Ugh! Daddy's using the good conference room, and this monitor has the lowest resolution ever! I can't tell if you're blushing!"

Artemis thanked his lucky stars that she couldn't tell how uncomfortable he was.

"Well, it's obvious that we can't have conversations like this in such conditions. Perhaps we could meet in person? Daddy built the prettiest lodge Colorado, but I've never been. Do you want to come? I've never even been to America!"

"I would like that very much. Thank you for the invitation."

"Oh, Artemis! I'm so glad we're going together. You'll be there to protect me." Minerva beamed so broadly that both her dimples showed.

"Butler would be much more capable in that field. But maybe I'll be good for entertainment." _ Thank God I finally said something witty_.

"I'll keep you to that promise. How I wish I could hug you! It's just so exciting that we'll finally be together, after all this time! À demain!"

"Hold on. You don't expect me to arrive at your lodge _tomorrow_?"

"Of course not! You need time to pack. But you'll be there in, say, two days?"

"Yes. I'd better begin. Choosing out suits is terribly difficult. One can never decide between Armani and Givenchy."

"Artemis! You silly boy, you can't go skiing in a suit!"

Cringing at his gaffe, Artemis quickly said, "Oh, I'll bring more than that."

"You'd better," Minerva replied, and with a sultry wink, signed off. The screen filled with static and went black.

"Butler!"

"Yes, sir?" responded the manservant from his sentry outside of the conference room.

"Do I own anything besides suits?"

"I don't believe so, sir."

"Order something appropriate for skiing and, er, _merrymaking_. We're spending the next few weeks at the Padadizo Lodge in Colorado."

"Yes sir. Would you like the clothes delivered to the manor for evaluation or to the lodge."

"To the lodge, if you will."

"As you wish." (A/N Like the _Princess Bride_ reference?)

Artemis settled down to prepare for his more daring endeavor, far more dangerous that outwitting fairies from their gold or escaping the wrath of a deranged pixie mastermind: spending time with Minerva without appearing a fool. _It's going to be a long night_, sighed Artemis as he started an equation to figure out the maximum amount of compliments he could give Minerva without attracting the reputation of a, how they say, "creeper".


End file.
